Lately, i've been wanting to be able to go out as "me." Not "him," not "her," me. At my core, i'm Bobbi, but as i've said before, i identify almost as much male as female in my head, so really, if i'm fully presenting in either gender, it still feels like i'm wearing a costume.
Earlier this week, i went back to see my therapist. I haven't seen her in nearly three years, but i've been having breakdowns now and then, and well... sometimes you need some help. Before, every time i'd gone to see her, i went right from work, which meant "boy mode." This time, i had spent the day working from home, and decided to dress the way i felt most comfortable. Nothing over the top, just what felt like "me": My favorite khaki capri pants over freshly-shaved legs, a periwinkle tank, pastel chartreuse oxford shirt with periwinkle stripes, open-toe slides, and (blush) a matching coral & black lace bra/thong set. My toes were polished (Confetti's "My Favorite Martian,") and while my ears aren't pierced, i do have a nice simple pair of chunky silver clip-ons i decided to wear.
I should note that at the moment, while my hair is considered pretty long for a guy, it's not so much for a girl, which is fine, but... part of the deal with growing my hair out involved also growing a neatly-trimmed beard so my wife wouldn't feel like her husband was disappearing in front of her eyes. Shaving it wasn't an option, but still... this wasn't really a him/her thing anyway, right? So beard or no beard, i slung my Fossil bag over my shoulder and off i went.
It felt wonderful being out and around, not a stitch of male clothing on, even if everything i was wearing could be thought of as somewhat androgynous... other than the bra and thong, of course. ;) I adored being able to look down and see my metallic green toes peeking out of my slides, and the feel of the bra straps when i moved was so comforting. I know, it must seem strange to cis-gender women that someone that doesn't need to wear a bra would want to, but it's like a validation of who i am inside.
Okay, so that was just a trip to my therapist, nothing really public. But that gave me the courage to do something a smidgen bolder. This morning, i went to the supermarket for some french bread, cheese, and some cream for our morning coffee. I went wearing my sandals, bright green toes on display for all the world to see. It was a little scary; i kept expecting someone to point and laugh, but if anyone noticed, they never said a word.
Maybe these are baby steps, but it brings me just the tiniest bit closer to going out and being truly myself without fear.
And that can only be a good thing...right?