A Little Closer to Me

Lately, i've been wanting to be able to go out as "me."  Not "him," not "her," me.  At my core, i'm Bobbi, but as i've said before, i identify almost as much male as female in my head, so really, if i'm fully presenting in either gender, it still feels like i'm wearing a costume.

Earlier this week, i went back to see my therapist.  I haven't seen her in nearly three years, but i've been having breakdowns now and then, and well... sometimes you need some help.  Before, every time i'd gone to see her, i went right from work, which meant "boy mode."  This time, i had spent the day working from home, and decided to dress the way i felt most comfortable.  Nothing over the top, just what felt like "me":  My favorite khaki capri pants over freshly-shaved legs, a periwinkle tank,  pastel chartreuse oxford shirt with periwinkle stripes, open-toe slides, and (blush) a matching coral & black lace bra/thong set.  My toes were polished (Confetti's "My Favorite Martian,") and while my ears aren't pierced, i do have a nice simple pair of chunky silver clip-ons i decided to wear.

I should note that at the moment, while my hair is considered pretty long for a guy, it's not so much for a girl, which is fine, but... part of the deal with growing my hair out involved also growing a neatly-trimmed beard so my wife wouldn't feel like her husband was disappearing in front of her eyes.  Shaving it wasn't an option, but still... this wasn't really a him/her thing anyway, right?  So beard or no beard, i slung my Fossil bag over my shoulder and off i went.

It felt wonderful being out and around, not a stitch of male clothing on, even if everything i was wearing could be thought of as somewhat androgynous... other than the bra and thong, of course. ;)  I adored being able to look down and see my metallic green toes peeking out of my slides, and the feel of the bra straps when i moved was so comforting.  I know, it must seem strange to cis-gender women that someone that doesn't need to wear a bra would want to, but it's like a validation of who i am inside.

Okay, so that was just a trip to my therapist, nothing really public.  But that gave me the courage to do something a smidgen bolder.  This morning, i went to the supermarket for some french bread, cheese, and some cream for our morning coffee.  I went wearing my sandals, bright green toes on display for all the world to see.  It was a little scary; i kept expecting someone to point and laugh, but if anyone noticed, they never said a word.

Maybe these are baby steps, but it brings me just the tiniest bit closer to going out and being truly myself without fear.

And that can only be a good thing...right?

-b

In the Dark

No one can see me
It's so alone in the dark
They don't know i'm here.

Half of Me

When we meet each day,
Who is the person you see?
It's not who i am.

Two Faces

The mirror shows two faces,
Neither one is truly me.
The mirror shows two faces,
Alternating he and she.

The mirror shows two faces,
But the real one's locked inside.
There is no mold for me to fit,
So from the world, I hide.

Quiet screaming late at night, emotions raw and stark.
Alone and hopeless, shattered shards left crying in the dark.
Perhaps I would not feel I am just one of life's disgraces,
If only once I could not see the mirror show two faces.

The mirror shows two faces,
Will I ever see just one?
Or is time to pass until i die,
My true self known by none?

The mirror shows two faces,
No solace found in faith.
A holy book my kind condemns,
With intolerance and hate.

Quiet screaming late at night, emotions raw and stark.
Alone and hopeless, shattered shards left crying in the dark.
Perhaps I would not feel I am just one of life's disgraces,
If only once I could not see the mirror show two faces.

The mirror shows two faces,
Though known by family,
Half of my self they fear to lose,
The other, fear to see.

The mirror shows two faces,
Neither one is truly me.
The mirror shows two faces,
Alternating he and she.

Quiet screaming late at night, emotions raw and stark.
Alone and hopeless, shattered shards left crying in the dark.
Perhaps I would not feel I am just one of life's disgraces,
If only once I could not see the mirror show two faces.

-Bobbi Jo Silver