Dream Sequence #1

Dream Sequence #1

I'm in a hotel suite, mine presumably.  Every main room wall has a mirror.  Looking in each in turn, the face that looks back isn't quite what i expect.  Almost me, but not quite.  I can't put my finger on it, but something's not right. 

Someone else follows me in.  A very tall man, 6'6" at least.  He has the presence of a law enforcement officer of some kind. I'm aware of him bothering me once before.  I don't want him here.

"You're breaking and entering."

"I'm not in very far," he answers.

"Don't care," i say.  "Get out."

He asks me, "What is your name?"

I turn toward him, annoyed. He towers over me, and i am not a small person. "I'm asking the questions. You don't scare me.  I don't give a flying fuck how big you are or what badges you carry…"

"What is your name?"

"I want to know who you are," i spit back angrily.

He looks me straight in the eye, squinting slightly. "You don't even know who you are."

There is a long pause.  I glance toward a chair. "Have a seat," i say quietly.

*Scene*

In the Dark #2

Friends lost in the dark
Placed on the wrong path since birth
I should do something

But i am lost too
No apparent place as home
A poor guide i'd be

Sight often shrouded
We seek light and clarity
To find our true selves

Thinking we're alone
Our sojourn has fits and starts
But the path is worn

We travel hoping
Welcoming arms will hold us
When we find our place

-Bobbi Jo Silver

A Little Closer to Me

Lately, i've been wanting to be able to go out as "me."  Not "him," not "her," me.  At my core, i'm Bobbi, but as i've said before, i identify almost as much male as female in my head, so really, if i'm fully presenting in either gender, it still feels like i'm wearing a costume.

Earlier this week, i went back to see my therapist.  I haven't seen her in nearly three years, but i've been having breakdowns now and then, and well... sometimes you need some help.  Before, every time i'd gone to see her, i went right from work, which meant "boy mode."  This time, i had spent the day working from home, and decided to dress the way i felt most comfortable.  Nothing over the top, just what felt like "me":  My favorite khaki capri pants over freshly-shaved legs, a periwinkle tank,  pastel chartreuse oxford shirt with periwinkle stripes, open-toe slides, and (blush) a matching coral & black lace bra/thong set.  My toes were polished (Confetti's "My Favorite Martian,") and while my ears aren't pierced, i do have a nice simple pair of chunky silver clip-ons i decided to wear.

I should note that at the moment, while my hair is considered pretty long for a guy, it's not so much for a girl, which is fine, but... part of the deal with growing my hair out involved also growing a neatly-trimmed beard so my wife wouldn't feel like her husband was disappearing in front of her eyes.  Shaving it wasn't an option, but still... this wasn't really a him/her thing anyway, right?  So beard or no beard, i slung my Fossil bag over my shoulder and off i went.

It felt wonderful being out and around, not a stitch of male clothing on, even if everything i was wearing could be thought of as somewhat androgynous... other than the bra and thong, of course. ;)  I adored being able to look down and see my metallic green toes peeking out of my slides, and the feel of the bra straps when i moved was so comforting.  I know, it must seem strange to cis-gender women that someone that doesn't need to wear a bra would want to, but it's like a validation of who i am inside.

Okay, so that was just a trip to my therapist, nothing really public.  But that gave me the courage to do something a smidgen bolder.  This morning, i went to the supermarket for some french bread, cheese, and some cream for our morning coffee.  I went wearing my sandals, bright green toes on display for all the world to see.  It was a little scary; i kept expecting someone to point and laugh, but if anyone noticed, they never said a word.

Maybe these are baby steps, but it brings me just the tiniest bit closer to going out and being truly myself without fear.

And that can only be a good thing...right?

-b

In the Dark

No one can see me
It's so alone in the dark
They don't know i'm here.

Half of Me

When we meet each day,
Who is the person you see?
It's not who i am.

Two Faces

The mirror shows two faces,
Neither one is truly me.
The mirror shows two faces,
Alternating he and she.

The mirror shows two faces,
But the real one's locked inside.
There is no mold for me to fit,
So from the world, I hide.

Quiet screaming late at night, emotions raw and stark.
Alone and hopeless, shattered shards left crying in the dark.
Perhaps I would not feel I am just one of life's disgraces,
If only once I could not see the mirror show two faces.

The mirror shows two faces,
Will I ever see just one?
Or is time to pass until i die,
My true self known by none?

The mirror shows two faces,
No solace found in faith.
A holy book my kind condemns,
With intolerance and hate.

Quiet screaming late at night, emotions raw and stark.
Alone and hopeless, shattered shards left crying in the dark.
Perhaps I would not feel I am just one of life's disgraces,
If only once I could not see the mirror show two faces.

The mirror shows two faces,
Though known by family,
Half of my self they fear to lose,
The other, fear to see.

The mirror shows two faces,
Neither one is truly me.
The mirror shows two faces,
Alternating he and she.

Quiet screaming late at night, emotions raw and stark.
Alone and hopeless, shattered shards left crying in the dark.
Perhaps I would not feel I am just one of life's disgraces,
If only once I could not see the mirror show two faces.

-Bobbi Jo Silver

Just the Thing I Needed

I was a little out of sorts yesterday morning. My inner girl has been feeling locked in a closet again, and I desperately needed a little something that said "pretty" to me. I fired up Poynt on my Droid, and looked for a nearby Nail Salon. There was one right around the corner from my office! I made a noon appointment, and dashed over at lunchtime.

When I walked in, it was all I could do to stop myself from saying, "Yes, the guy with the purse is the one with the manicure appointment." (I carry a Cole Hahn messenger bag.) When I sat down with the nail tech, she took out a set of clippers. I said, "I'd prefer they were filed. Do them exactly how you'do any other customer's nails... how you might like yours done." She seemed to relax a little and filed my nails to lovely straight tips. After trimming my cuticles came a salt scrub hand massage, after which I went to wash my hands. Sitting back in the chair, I smiled and said, "shine me up." Some glossy topcoat later, I was ready to head back to the office, feeling just a little prettier.

I think I'll go back tomorrow for a pedi... I wonder how she'll react when I hand her a bottle of Confetti's, "My Favorite Martian?" :)